Friday, December 3, 2010

How to Wrap Christmas Presents with Ferrets

Ferrets are very curious animals that LOVE to help around the house, often with somewhat disastrous results... Fortunately, someone wrote a list of step-by-step instructions which explain, in detail, how to wrap presents with your ferrets around. 

So here it is:

Gift wrapping with ferrets:
1) Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2) Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3) Open door and remove ferret from closet.
4) Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5) Go back and remove ferret from cupboard.
6) Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...
7) Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8) Go back to drawer to get string, remove ferret that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9) Remove present from bag. Remove ferret from bag.
10) Open box to check present, remove ferret from box, replace present.
11) Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
12) Try and smooth out paper, realize ferret is underneath and remove ferret.
13) Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
14) Throw away first sheet as ferret chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
15) Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting ferret in the bag the present came in.
16) Place present on paper.
17) Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize ferret is between present and paper. Remove ferret.
18) Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
19) Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from ferret with pair of nail scissors.
20) Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21) Look for roll of ribbon. Chase ferret down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
22) Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23) Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to ferret's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
24) Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
25) Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
26) Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27) Remove sting, open box and remove ferret.
28) Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
29) Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
30) Remove ferret from box, unlock door, put ferret outside door, close and re-lock.
31) Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear ferret from outside door)
32) Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
33) Discover ferret has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because ferret helped with this last year as well.
34) Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
35) Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
36) Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
37) Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed ferret.
38) Spend 15 minutes looking for ferret until coming to obvious conclusion.
39) Unwrap present, untie box and remove ferret.
40) Go to store and buy a gift bag.